The 9 Hottest Topless Models in the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar Nude Irina Shayk Nude Hilary Rhoda Nude Jessica Gomes Nude Esti Ginzburg Nude Julie Henderson Nude Kate Upton Nude Chrissy Teigen

The 9 Hottest Topless Models in the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar Nude Irina Shayk Nude Hilary Rhoda Nude Jessica Gomes Nude Esti Ginzburg Nude Julie Henderson Nude Kate Upton Nude Chrissy Teigen

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Dear God, that's a wordy title. Whatever. It's done.

Remember calendars? Those paper things that had naked girls or Far Side cartoons on them back before everyone had computers? Well, they still exist. So with January coming up, rendering all 2011 calendars completely and utterly obsolete, it's time to roll out another edition. The 2012 edition, to be more precise. And since we're a sports site that never wavers in their focus from all things sports-related, we've chosen to highlight the arrival of the sports-iest calendar out there, the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Calendar. We had to whittle down to our 9 favorite models from a field of 12. It was honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Please pour out some malt liquor for the three girls who didn't get to make it to the party.

9. Irina Shayk

She's Russian, 25 and hot as blazes. I'll give you some more information, anyway.

She's on the cover of this year's issue after having appeared in the magazine since 2007. She often gets confused for Brazilian due to her dark complexion, but says that feature is common of people with Tatar lineage. I'm guessing she doesn't settle the issue by showing everyone her pubic hair, but in my mind she sort of does. She's so hot, even her dog is sort of famous, as her pup Caesar is the offspring of one of the dogs that played Marley in Marley and Me.

What a talented family.

8. Hilary Rhoda

Ms. Rhoda is 24 and from Maryland. She played field hockey and lacrosse in high school, then forewent college to walk around places and be really hot. I would have done the same thing. She's a lofty 5' 11", which means that she's taller than 65% of the men out there. So if you're over six feet, take solace in knowing that you have a really good shot with her. She's appeared in the Swimsuit Issue since 2009.

7. Jessica Gomes

She's Australian of Singaporean-Chinese descent, just like the author of this article. Well, close. I'm Irish-American. She's been gracing the pages of the SI Swimsuit Issue from 2008 onward, so they must like the quality of her work. She also was on the cover of Maxim this month, November 2011. In case you just cavalierly assumed she doesn't have her own line of lip gloss, you take that back right now, because she does. It's called Gomes Pink, and I bet it's awesome.

6. Esti Ginzburg

This Israeli actress/model is the junior one of the group at only 21 years old. She also served in the Israeli military, as required by law, which fires her hotness factor up by like 10,000 percent. She actually criticized fellow Israeli model Bar Rafaeli for avoiding military service. I think Esti would win in this fight. You know why? CAUSE SHE HAS MILITARY EXPERINCE. In case you have been staring at her breasts this entire time, I'll thank you to know that her eyes are hazel. That's right. Hazel.

5. Brooklyn Decker

She's 24 and from rural Ohio, but Brooklyn has made quite a career for herself, having married tennis star Andy Roddick (that's the obligatory sports reference here. Nothing else will be sports-related.), graced the cover of last year's issue, and appeared opposite Adam Sandler in Just Go With It. And Esquire said that last year, she was the sexiest woman alive.

No argument here.

4. Julie Henderson

This 25 year-old from Houston has been appearing in the SI Swimsuit Issue since 2007, which pretty much makes her a senior citizen among her peer group. She wears a size 4 dress, in case you were thinking of sending her a totally-not-creepy gift. She's appeared in pretty much every fashion mag there is, including Elle Girl, Teen Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, and Vogue.

Also, she's above average in the looks department. That warrants mentioning.

3. Jessica White

Born in Buffalo, NY, this 27 year old isn't only a model, but also a DJ. Honestly, who ISN'T a DJ these days? I know I am. I'm working the 1's and 2's as I write this. It's hard to tell if an appearance in this calendar is the apex of her career, as she's appeared in Big Momma's House 2 and a Big and Rich music video. I'm kidding. Of course this is her high point. Both those other things suck.

2. Kate Upton

UPTON! Kate Upton was bequeathed this year's "Rookie of the Year," which I guess means she wore a bikini and/or held her own boobs better than any other newbie did this year. Good for her.

Upton graces the calendar in July, so every mark your calendars (YOUR SI SWIMSUIT CALENDARS!) for July of 2012. It should be a grand month. Easily in the top 10 best month next year. Easily.

1. Chrissy Teigen

This 25 year-old Utah beauty stands 5'8" and deputed in last year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. She seems to really have come into her own over the past year. If this progress continues, just imagine how she'll look in 30 or 40 years. That's right. Amazing.

Chrissy was also a Deal or No Deal model in 2006, which launched her on the cover of Maxim. That's a nice little progression.